imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
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Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I ate everything, including the H.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her