Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
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*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Not today. 😅
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car