Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
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Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*