Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
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Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down