Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
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My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.