Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?

Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out

incredible book dedication

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.