Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
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*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty