Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
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I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Good boy 😂😂
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar