Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
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Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Natural selection at its finest
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no