Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.

I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

congratulations to them

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

me: I miss handshakes

cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

Ring = she’s married

Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

monday

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano