Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

If my kids invented a drink.

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

But it’s not the “worst way” either…

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.