Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

I created you as mosquito food.

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me

Me: OMG just get in the shower

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once