Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?

Me: Which one helps with reflux?

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services