hey đ if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
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I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I donât.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, âI thought we agreed to save money.â
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
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á´ą
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á´ą*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
âthese Kate Middleton pics will silence internet criticsâ I donât think u understand how badly youâve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim sheâs four cats in a wig
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
*gets âknĂŽfâ and âforkâ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
yeh iâll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg