Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
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Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
😂🍻
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.