Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
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Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.