Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

Real House Wines.

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way