Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
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In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.