imagine getting destroyed like this
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*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No