imagine getting destroyed like this
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didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
🙋♀️
“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”
– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions