imagine getting destroyed like this
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An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line