imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
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prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
“just sayin” who asked you though?
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.