imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
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As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
What kind of a cult is this?
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
