Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
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Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
Social distancing in Australia:
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.