Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
