Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
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*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
the red hot silly peppers
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me