Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
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Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Has science gone too far?
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no