Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
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NOT all policemen are strippers.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Why do so many horror movies take place at night? If I directed them, they’d be set at the scariest time imaginable: morning.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.