Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
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Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
getting groceries
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
when there are deer in the woods
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage