Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

I hate everything

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

also my go-to takeaway order

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.