imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
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A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
They say women only use 10% of their anger
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.