Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The morning after pill, but for tweets

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

the rocks need my help

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here

Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*