Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one. The dead body one

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.

– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.