imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
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My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
he looks great for his age
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I have no passwords left in me
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.