Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

Superman’s Google searches:

“Strongest hero”

“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”

“Fastest hero”

“Fastest hero. Not Flash”

“Phone booth for sale”