Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.

They just take your money and run.

Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.

Boss : If you are late again you are fired.

Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

ok hear me out: Luigiana

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

The most important meal of the day is the next one

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

this country is so goddamn polarized

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

not for long

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.