Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
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movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.