Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
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SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”