Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

Good morning

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.

I was just discussing this with my cat

Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show