Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
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Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.