Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
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[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
This one’s “Alex”.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle