Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

I remember when things only cost an arm.

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

“Let them fake cake”

Marie Internette

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .