Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
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Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*