Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
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The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
This kid is a star!
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“