Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.

I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop