Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
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Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Ok cat haters, explain this…
Sign at work today
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.