Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot