Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *falls off the wagon*

THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

friend: want to go swimming?

me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.