Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
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The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Monday?
No. Next question.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Mad Max Arctic Road
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*