Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
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If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?