imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
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leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.