Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
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Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
cats when you pet them too long:
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?