Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
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There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.