Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”