Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.