Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

The pen is writier than the sword.

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)

I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.