Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

The Wolf of Wall Street.

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

Hearing those four little words always makes my day.

“Your order just shipped.”

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

2023 was just a warmup

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.