Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
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It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing