Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
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*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is