imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
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can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.