imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
![]()
You Might Also Like
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball