Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
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Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?
girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes
me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?
lmfao
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work