Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
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*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*