Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
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What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Nomnomnomnom
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Lmao
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more