Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

Wait a minute…

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

Phew
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Phew ✔
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The Chosen Phew

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

Wasn’t this a cartoon.

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FujVithWYAAxkIN.mp4

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

🤣dope

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.