I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
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1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.