Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
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I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t