Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
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I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO