Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
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When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Truth
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE